Today I have decided to not hate my body. It’s a radical move for a girl who has never once liked how she looked. For a girl who has grown up knowing that she’ll never be good enough, that her butt will always be too big and her arms will always jiggle just a little too much. For a girl who’s been learning to hate her body since she can remember, it’s a radical move to decide to think otherwise.
And I’m scared. It’s really terrifying to decide not to hate something you’ve hated your whole life. I’m scared I won’t be able to do it, that I’ll never come to terms with how I look and I’ll be right back where I started, months or even years from now. I’m scared I’ll be judged, that people won’t think I deserve to love my body since it isn’t perfect, and I’m upset that that scares me, because I should only care about how I feel. And more than anything, I’m scared I’ll gain weight by giving myself permission to be as I am and not be perpetually dieting or thinking about dieting. Even though what I’m doing now clearly isn’t working, I’m scared that changing my approach to eating and my body will make things even worse.
But it has to be done. I have to do something. I cannot continue to think and feel the way I do or I won’t survive. I’m so sick of being depressed all the time, so sick of constantly beating myself up every time I eat something. I’m so sick of trying to force myself to get on the treadmill to burn off the calories I just ate. I want to eat good, healthy food just because it’s delicious. I want to eat fruits and veggies most of the time, but I also want to be able to have a piece of cake if I want one with no guilt too. I want to go to the gym not as a punishment but because working out makes my body feel good and relieves stress. I want to get healthy for the sole purpose of being healthy. I don’t want to want to lose weight anymore, but I can’t help it. I want to lose weight more than anything in the world. But I’m not allowing myself to have that goal anymore. It is destructive and I’m done.
From now on, health is my only goal. It’s an idea that’s been floating around in my head for almost a year. I tried it once before, focusing just on health and ignoring weight, but I slipped right back into diet mentality not to long after. This time it’s for good. Today I pull the trigger and there’s no going back.